He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
