My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
