I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
