if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
