my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
