I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
