do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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