nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
