It's a beautiful day for a hangover
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
