We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
