If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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