I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
