My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
