I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
