So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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