I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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