Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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