How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
