i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
