Dual....:-)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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