Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
