if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
