I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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