she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
