I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
