drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
