you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
