Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
