my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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