I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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