just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
