There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
