God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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