while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
