Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
