Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
