this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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