Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
