I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
