Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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