She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
