Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
