Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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