Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
