why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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