the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
