please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
