Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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