Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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