I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
