Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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