"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
