God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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