Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's great music for shaving your balls
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
