shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
